How to Overcome Shame

How to overcome Shame

[an Aukje Nauta article]

Top–10 sources of shame
Certain mistakes I made
My body
Certain character traits
My lack of competence (the feeling that I actually know or can do too little, for example at work)
My psychological problems, such as anxiety or burnout
My feeling of loneliness
My body odor
My addiction(s), such as eating too much, drinking, drugs or buying things
Certain physical ailments, such as flatulence or snoring
Certain sexual activities, such as solo sex or watching porn
Also mentioned: ‘My body, when I saw it in a shop window.’ ‘My mild form of autism.’ ‘My clumsiness in the supermarket.’ That I was filling the bottle bank again.’

Top 5 reactions to shame
I pretended nothing was wrong 38%
I pushed the shame away, didn’t want to think about it or talk about it 36%
I started blushing, sweating and/or stuttering 19%
I was joking about it 18%
I shared it with others 16%
I got angry 7%
Shame-free in 5 steps
Recognize the signals. People who feel ashamed often exhibit flight or fight behavior. So if you notice that you are trying to hide from the outside world or that you remain very superficial in conversations about certain topics, you may be confronted with something that you are ashamed of. Or you go into fight mode: you take out your shame on others, shout at yourself or become angry.
Acknowledge the shame. Say to yourself, “Hey, I’m ashamed,” and praise yourself for it. The fact that you are ashamed means that you want to do the right thing and are therefore a conscientious person.
Describe it. Describe the gap between who you are and your ideal self – often based on what the group norm dictates. Which standard do you deviate from? And is it you or is that standard not okay? Suppose you are ashamed because of a deviant sexual orientation – would you want to change it? Or do you think the standard should change?
Explore your desire. What desire is behind the norm from which you deviate? The underlying desire is not always immediately clear. For example, if you are ashamed because you have cheated, do you long to be faithful to your partner, or do you actually long to love different people, but does that conflict with what your partner or those around you think?
Research who you want to connect with. Shame is also seen as fear of rejection, so what lies behind it is a desire for connection. When you realize your desire, who do you feel connected to? For example, if you want to be proud of your deviant sexual orientation, you want the people around you to love you for who you are. Investigate whether this is the case, preferably in an open conversation. And if that is not the case, see if you can connect with like-minded people who accept you as you are.

[concluded]

Contributed by Francis van Schaik

From Psychologie Magazine

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